As I’m sure is obvious by my tone… right now we are in some of the tough times.  My husband and I have both been out of work now for months.  I’m in school, and writing again… which is amazing.  But that takes time to pay.  That’s enough background information for my post today.  Soooo… what makes me happy when the rest of my life seems to be going to hell in a handbasket?  Planning!

My current wishlist of a plan includes full-time RVing.  I love ATVs and 4-wheeling (no matter what the vehicle).  I’m looking into workamping (the ability to work for your site rent, and even potentially to earn a small hourly wage, depending on the workload).  I also want to continue to write, both fiction and non-fiction.  I would love to chronicle our time in a blog, with photography as well as writing.  I’d prefer to travel to RV parks that welcome ATVing and 4-wheeling, and want to sell event photos of people riding there online.  I also want to make jewelry, maybe sell at craft fairs.  Then there’s always the blankets I make.    Of course, there’s Etsy stores for any of that, too.  I love Rennaissance Faires, and would love to somehow get involved there, but haven’t really figured out how I would do that.  Not yet, anyways…

So, where is my degree in all of this you ask?  I’ve asked myself a thousand times.  And I don’t know how I feel about the answer.  But with my current plan, I wouldn’t be utilizing my degree, unless I took on some jobs subbing, or tutoring (I have found one tutoring website that is all online, and I’ve also found several adult learning courses all online, so there are options there).  So why waste the time and money on it, if I’m not sure I’m going to use it?  Well, I think at this point, part of it is to prove it to myself that I can do it.  So I will.  Another part of it is, I think, that I teach naturally.  If I choose to homeschool (or unschool, which is what I’d prefer) my youngest children, I’d prefer to have a well-rounded education.  I don’t believe that parents need a college degree to effectively teach their children, but I want one anyways.  Another is that it may take 10 years before we can do this – or 20 or more – or we may not do it at all until it’s time to retire.  And if it takes that long, I want to support my family in every way that I can until then.

My husband is working on learning how to develop applications for the iphone, and other smartphones.  He’s already an excellent artist, but he’s also experimenting with paints.  My mom had an excellent idea to offer silhouettes of people (I think that’d be great at a craft fair).  He’s an electrician, so he’d always have the opportunity to test in the state we’re in, and he’s a great handyman as well (handy for the parks).  So he’s considering what fields he’ll need to get education and experience in as well.  He’s also considering studying up and learning small engine repair and/or RV repair.  Figured with what we are planning, a traveling mechanic is always helpful.    I still want him to pursue the ring carving as well, but that’s a slightly tougher plan, as we’ve still not managed to find the blanks.   With his artistic ability, he also happens to be almost better at photography than I am (the only reason I don’t put his skills above mine are due to the fact that he doesn’t know my camera well). 

So that’s it.  I want to become a real-life gypsy.  Of course, there’s no possible way we can do it before 8 years is up.  That’s when current child support stops for all of our children.  And don’t take that tone the wrong way… I don’t resent paying child support in the least… I think it’s necessary, for the children that you’re supporting, and for every parent involved.  I’ve been on the receiving end as well as the paying end for years… so I know better than most how important it is.  That statement is said as a fact, not as intolerance.  It’s simply when our middle children will all be graduating from high school.  At that point, our monthly expenses will reduce drastically, and this, I believe, will allow for us to be more flexible with our living arrangements.  It will also probably take the next eight years for us to acquire the skills and money necessary to sustain us on the road.  We’ll need to purchase an RV, drive it, camp in it, find what we’ll need for our journey and what we won’t.  We’ll want to purchase our ATVs, our hauler of those (whether it’s a toyhauler RV or a trailer that we pull behind a motorhome).  We’ll need to build our savings up for those times when unexpected medical expenses or vehicle expenses pop up, and they will pop up.  We know that, also better than most.

So, that’s my plan.  Until we both are able to get back to work, there will be no hope of being able to achieve this goal.  So I need to work on finishing school as quickly as possible, and continue looking for gainful employment.  I need for my husband to get back to work as well.  We need to each decide on our paths, as far as our future careers go, and work to gain some experience doing those things as well, even if it means job shadowing to learn the skills needed.

I am sorry if I’ve hurt anyone’s feelings here. It is certainly not my intention. This blog has wandered for a while now, and for the most part, I’ve protected the identities of those who I’ve written about. Will people recognize themselves? Yes, absolutely. And if they’ve come here via my business website, they’ll know who I am, and might be able to guess who the other players in this blog are IF they know me personally, as well. But this is my life. It’s how I feel at the time that I write the post. Over times, and with other circumstances, those feelings may change, they may soften, or they may harden. But what I’ve written is truth, with protected identities, so I won’t apologize for it. I will say that I have never, and will never, spread rumors, or been maliciously cruel to those in my life or somehow attached to my life, no matter how tenuous that thread is. Even reading back over these posts, I don’t see that I’ve ever done that. It’s not who I am, not who I will ever be. But there will be times where I am harsh, because I feel that way at the moment.

A little about me… I am not a judgmental person. I am not unfeeling, hard-hearted, or cruel. I’ve had bad things happen in my life, and I’ve had good things happen in my life. I try to blog about both, for a balanced perspective. But I will admit, over the last three years, there have been more bad days than good. I’ve had several very heavy burdens of court cases, custody disputes, visitation disputes, arguments with exes (mine and his), family members passing away unexpectedly, problems with kids’ attitudes, issues with jobs… the list could go on and on and on. At the same time, I have been blessed with a family that although they may not understand me, they love me and support me. I have been blessed with relatively good health and improving health of those closest to me… whether physical or emotional.

What prompted me to write this? I guess it’s easiest explained by the fact that I was able to reconnect to some very good mutual friends my ex and I had prior to our divorce. They asked about my ex-husband, and I was very encouraging of putting them together, didn’t say anything “bad” about him, didn’t try in any way to negatively influence their contact with him. Was excited about talking with them. I messaged my ex, letting him know to expect contact from them, conveyed my excitement about it, and he responded with a thank you, and let me know that he had already talked to them. After that? Nothing… I’ve sent messages to each of the people involved… and have not had a single response. It hurts to know that something he would say about me… again, 10 years later… would cause them to just decide not to talk to me. But more than that, it hurts that they would decide that there’s only one side of the story, and that they would “choose sides”. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they’ve just all been very busy the last month… It’s only happened twice before with all of our former mutual friends, and it hurt both times then… but that was back when the divorce was fresh… back when things were still being said… so it was a little more understandable that there would be a “choosing of sides”. Now?   Well, I’m a big girl… and I’ll put my big girl panties on and get over it. But I’m sad to know that it has to be this way.

Anyways, between that & the comment that the person made regarding this post, it just got me to thinking about it… being fair in a blog, posting when you’re upset or angry, and need to vent… I still don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong. As I said before, I protected the identity of the people that I’ve posted about to the best of my ability, I’ve not attacked their character on anything other than the issue at hand, and I’ve left comments open if they chose to post a rebuttal. I’ve only recently begun to link this blog to where people that actually know me can see it.  Will I be more aware that people I know might read the blog?  Yes.  Will that make me censor some of my thoughts more carefully?  Perhaps.  Will it change my mind, or make me less apt to post about something of significance?  Maybe it will.  Maybe it won’t.  I am not ashamed of my life, of my thoughts or my feelings on the subjects I’ve posted so far… and that won’t change.  As I’ve said before, I haven’t attacked anyone, and I haven’t said anything that wasn’t true… So maybe it won’t.  Do I purposely hurt someone?  No.

What are your thoughts?

Avatar’s story was touching and well-done with great rounded characters. You’re immediately immersed in this story, discovering a wonderful, beautiful new world, new technology and meeting the people of Earth as well as the natives of Pandora. I can’t do a thorough review of this movie, as I have to admit that I was so caught up in it that I wouldn’t be able to do a review justice without at least one more viewing.

The boys have been super-excited about Avatar all day, wanting to know if we can see it again (we’ll be buying it on DVD when it comes out, for sure)… playing and pretending (mom… what’s the name of the place they were at?), and talking all about it.

Have you seen it? Did you see it in 3D or not? What did you think?

The next weekend, we do meet her, as we had re-scheduled.  Chris decides on his way out the door to take a bunch of his stuff with him… nowhere near all of his stuff, but a lot of it.  Both my husband and I wondered about it, but felt that he wouldn’t lie to us, so when he told us that he wanted to take some of his stuff that he wasn’t really playing with back to his mom’s and bring some more clothes back, we shrugged our shoulders and allowed it.  We met his mom & her boyfriend, made plans to meet them again on Sunday and said goodbye.

On Saturday, my oldest decided she was coming down for a few days the next day.  She offered to allow C2′s mom to drop him off where she was (less than 1 hour from her), instead of the 3 hour drive to meet us.  My husband called his mother, and she was fine with that.  We agreed that she’d drop C2 off with my daughter by noon.  At 10 minutes until noon, my husband gets a text message “C2 doesn’t want to come back and I don’t think it’s best either so I”.

Can you imagine the shock?  The pure pissedoff-edness of the three people involved (including my oldest as she had been ready to go for 2 hours)?  My husband tried to call her to discuss it, she wouldn’t answer the phone.  He tried texting her, to no avail.  No response whatsoever for 3 days.  We had a signed agreement from her, as well as a verbal agreement, that our current situation would last until at least the end of the school year.  Now here we were, just a couple of weeks before Christmas (when he was supposed to come with us to Florida to meet his family there, many of whom he has never met before)!!!  So, after some careful thought and a lot of decisions, we gave her a deadline to contact us, sent her an email letting her know that we felt that she was hiding him from us.  We received a phone call from her within a day.  She allowed us to talk to him for about 20 minutes.  That’s it.  Today is the start of the second week in January, and my husband has talked to his son 3 times.  She refuses to answer the phone, doesn’t respond to text messages, and he has used the phone only during times that she is within 5 feet of him.  We are not allowed to see him, not allowed to visit with him.  So we did the only thing we can do, to protect his right to see his family and protect my husband’s right to see his son… a son that she already stripped him of 12 years with!!!!  We’ve filed for temporary orders to be issued.  We’re requesting temporary custody, but will be happy just to have temporary visitation orders.  We go to court on January 20th.

I’m so mad about this that it’s unbelievable.  I know I’ve said this about my ex-husband in the past, and it was true then.  Hopefully it’s not anymore… But now I have to deal with this same crap all over again!!  How is it that a mother can only worry about herself, use her child to get what she wants, and not concern herself in the least about what’s best for her child?  She didn’t bother herself to make sure he was doing his homework before… she hasn’t gotten him involved in any after-school activities… he doesn’t have health insurance (we have his paperwork in hand, IF he’s still living with us)…  his welfare and well-being has rarely (if ever) crossed her mind, as long as she was getting what she wanted.  Yet now, all of the sudden, she’s willing to help him with his homework.  He’s still not involved in any activities.  He’s still calling his dad when his mom isn’t aware, telling him how bored he is, telling him how they don’t do anything… telling him how he’s left alone for hours on end.  So why would she make the decision to keep him there, when here, he had plenty of attention, was getting homework help, was getting involved in clubs at school, in after-school activities, and learning?

OK, enough of a rant for today.  The point is that now we have another couple of weeks before that court hearing, and then we’ll at the very least have temporary orders and she’ll have to allow him to see  us.

I just don’t understand… I’m a mother who raised my daughter to an adult, raised my son until he was 11, this past August.  I’m raising my twin 5-year-olds.  My older boy wanted to go live with his dad, and once I was assured that he would be well taken care of, I allowed.  It’s something that’s still not easy for me… I have days when I want nothing more than to go beg that judge to allow me to “take it back”… to tell him that I want to raise him.  But as we had a lot of problems with my daughter’s attitude as a teenager, I also realize that if it’s what he really wants, and he’s going to be well-taken-care-of, there’s no reason and it’s not good to force him to accept what’s always been.  It’s a part of growing up, both on the part of the child as well as the parent, to know that.  So why is it that this mother (who has not only a grown daughter, but even a small grandchild), can’t see this?  Why is it that she’ll manipulate and emotionally endanger her own son, by trying to force her wants on him, rather than allow that we might be the ones right now to better raise him?  Do you know in the first 3 weeks here, what I heard over and over and over again from him was how much he loved it here, because we actually paid attention to him… talked to him…and he wasn’t used to that.

{RANT OVER}

So, I apologize and hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas (or whatever your holiday might be) and a very Happy New Year!

So, cross your fingers for me, or pray for me, if you’re so inclined. I’m desperately wanting to get back to work (as in actually earning an income) and this would be step one to combine that with something that I LOVE doing. So prayers, good wishes, karmic thoughts, or whatever is your cup of tea, would really be appreciated right now!

But it also gave me an idea, and made me wonder how many people out there would be interested in hints, tips and tricks from someone playing Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars, Castle Age, etc. Raise your hand… ermmm… leave me a comment, that is… if you’re interested. Maybe I’ll devote a few days to that…

Just think of her as resting from
The sorrows and the tears,
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days, no years.

Think how she must be wishing
That we could know today,
How nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away.

And think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched…
For nothing loved is ever lost-
And she was loved so much.

E. Brenneman

This is beginning to look like a poetry blog, but please bare with me… My grandmother, my Nanny, passed away tonight. Two years ago, she had to have surgery, and after things were very touch and go for a while… During that time, my mother found this poem. She emailed it to me, hoping that it wouldn’t be needed for many years, but wanting to have it for when it was needed. I thought it was beautiful then, and although it was needed too early (IMHO), it did my heart good to read it tonight… I know that she is with my aunt (her youngest daughter who passed at the tender age of 36 in 1998), my cousin (her grandaughter who passed just 4 months ago at the age of 31), as well as her own parents, sister and other family members, and I know she is free from all pain. Of course that doesn’t make me wish she wasn’t here with us still… But I suppose that’s my selfishness. I will miss her terribly, as I still do my aunt (tanta, German for aunt), and as I do my cousin, and grandparents, and other family members that have gone before her. So, thank you mom for giving this gift into my safekeeping and giving me a slightly lightened heart for this evening. Thank you E. Brenneman for putting into words the faith that we need to work through our grief. And thank YOU for taking the time to read this post in remembrance of my Nanny…

Sing with the choirs that surround you
Dance to the music in your soul
Look into the eyes that really see you
Place all that you have into that bowl

O lay down your burden
Lay it all down
Pass the glass between you
Drink it up
Place the Light before you
Come through the door
The dragon doesn’t live here anymore

Although my faith has faltered some this year, and to me, this poem is about faith, it still resonates deeply with me. I think it’s the part about singing with the choir and dancing to the music in your soul. I’ve only just started the book, but I’ve flipped back time and again to read the poem, so I thought I would share. Hope you’ve enjoyed it. Let me know what you think…